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The Clerkship Process (as told by The Bachelor)

September 3, 2018

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1. Applications


It’s finally time for dreaded clerkship season and you’ve decided to jump on the gravy train. You start drafting that one-size-fits-all cover letter and jet-setting off to firm presentations, personal branding seminars and resumé workshops. 

 

You are prepared: mentally, physically, and spiritually.
 

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“Write about your interests outside the law,” advises the HR rep from the big city firm. You add “blockchain” to your cover letter because you read that one article on LawyersWeekly about its increasing popularity in NewLaw firms yadda yadda yadda. Muay thai? Nope, your limbs are clearly too gangly. Painting? Compulsory Year 7 VA probably doesn’t count. Yoga? Sensible and indicates a well-adjusted mental disposition. Let’s go with that. I mean, really, though...

 

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But after you get rejected by ¾ of the law firms you applied to, maybe clerkship season isn’t going to be as relaxing as a hatha yoga sesh.

 

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At the end of the day, any firm that doesn’t want you isn’t a firm you want to work for! Duh!

 

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2. Cocktail Evenings


Then there are those firms that actually do appreciate your fascination with all things yoga and invite you over to HQ for a bubbly and a chinwag. You scrub up to exude the stability suggested by your cover letter, and then you’re on your merry way.

 

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Then there’s the firm, made purely out of glass windows and ceilings!

 

“Give ‘em the old razzle dazzle,” you remind yourself. Slithering your way into a group of prospective clerks, you wait for the right time to drop a joke. *Crickets*. Umm...

 

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Someone asks the lawyer how many hours they work. They reply that they’ve seen the sunset some days. But there are harbour views so at least it’s stunning! 

 

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Then that person remarks how the views at this firm are even better than at KWM’s, where, funnily enough, they worked as a paralegal! Tres interesting!

 

You think you vomited a little bit of that duck pancake in your mouth. All you can think is...

 

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“Disruption. Innovation. Technology.” 

 

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One guy’s talking to a partner about performing with an elite dance troupe in 2014. “Really?”, the partner says astonishedly, “you would’ve danced with my daughter. Do you know a...” The guy gulps. Caught out, biatch.

 

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3. Interview

 

You’ve prepared for a variety of questions, including: “When was a time your integrity was challenged and how did you handle that?”, “When has a situation not gone your way? How did you rectify it?”, and even “Does fate exist? If so, do we have free will?”. You’ve even prepared some questions for them: “What is the most enriching aspect of working at this firm?”, “Which high-profile matters have you worked on?”, and even one to show your deep, contemplative side: “If someone you loved was killed in front of you, but someone created a copy of them that was perfect right down to the atomic level, would they be the same person and would you love them just as much?”

 

As the saying goes...

 

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But in your attempt to think outside the box, you forgot the most obvious questions.

 

“What brings you to this firm?”

 

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“How does blockchain work?” 
“Pardon?”
“Blockchain”.

And then you remember you put it on your cover letter. Why couldn’t they ask you about yoga?

 

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That one HR is really grilling you.

 

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You walk out of the office either completely defeated…

 

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...or honest to God over it…

 

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...or just happy that it’s over.

 

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Roses are red.
Ryan Seacrest is gay.
Screw my life.
I’m drinking my sorrows away.

 

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4. The Phone Call


A few weeks later comes the morning when everyone gets the fateful call to find out where they’ll be interning over the summer, if at all.

 

You’ve been staring at your phone since 9am but nothing...until that one firm calls...

 

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A CLERKSHIP! A GRAD JOB! A JOB!

 

Except, your non-law friends and family be like:

 

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