Confessions of an Academic Self-Saboteur
Many years ago, an insecure wreck of a first year law student dared to dream of the day when only one semester would stand between her and graduation. What seemed magically far away four years ago is now a reality and my feelings are bouncing around between dread and disinterest.
In the past, while I may not have always been joyful or passionate about my legal studies, the crippling fear of failure kept me sticking to deadlines and cranking out assignments. But right now, the extent of my academic efforts seems to be opening a new Word document and closing it in frustration at the end of the day. The deadlines pass, the to-do lists remain un-ticked, the word count never increases.
What started in the winter break as a chance to give my brain a holiday has turned into a floundering inability to look my thesis in the eye or read a single word of textbook-ese. I know I’m really going to hate myself in November, looking back on all this time that I didn’t enjoy, because I theoretically had work to do (but didn’t) because my brain had left the building.
Maybe it's easier to not try and do badly than it is to give it everything and not quite make the cut.
Is there a solution? I have no idea.
But today, I’m going to write something. It probably won’t impress an interview panel, or be well referenced, or even completely grammatically correct, but it’ll be the first day in many weeks that I’ve been brave enough to try.
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