• Eric

How to Prepare for Law Ball a Year in Advance


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Law balls are usually wedged in the middle of semester, which means preparations can get put on the back-burner. Before you know it, you’re hunting for suits an hour before the event or drying your nails in the Uber to the venue. Here are some tips on how to best avoid looking like a hot mess by lining everything up a year in advance.

1. Arrive fashionably late in a private jet

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Nobody has the time for peak hour traffic. So it makes logical sense to dump your savings on an exorbitant, but lavish private jet. Your friends will be, like, totally impressed and envious, though maybe a little miffed if their trains get sucked into your jet’s turbines. What lifelong debt? HECS-ing a law degree beat you to the punch, to be honest!

2. Vetting dates early

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You can be just like Miranda Priestly, dismissing an applicant because their spherical babyface doesn't complement your angular bone structure. We’re talking supreme neo-classical beauty with perfect proportions à la Vitruvian Man, coupled with a MENSA-level IQ.

3. Predicting trends by visiting a fortune-teller

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Vogue and Cosmopolitan starting to fail you? Duh! You want to be ahead of the curve, not riding off people’s coattails. But have you tried consulting the metaphysical world beyond the veil of reality for style advice? Try your hand at predicting future fashion trends by communicating with spirits at your local fortune-teller. The tarot cards might reveal stiletto-sneakers as the next big thing and probably the date of your death. But better that than being caught dead in a fashion faux pas.

4. Hiring a smile coach

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Ever been startled by your lopsided smile after flipping your selfies? Or cried yourself to sleep because your partner dumped you over your physical imperfections? Your smile is probably asymmetrical. Hire a personal smile coach. Whether you’ve got plenty of pearly-whites or a mouthful of tombstones, a smile coach will turn them into date magnets.

5. Taking notes at fashion weeks

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Oh my God, did Karlie Kloss just walk into law ball? Oh wait! That’s just you stomping into the venue with the constipated smize and fierce strut you learnt at the Mercedes-Benz and London Fashion Weeks. If you start nailing your stride and posture a whole year in advance, you’ll go from knock-kneed fawn to runway model in no time.

6. Attending intensive dance courses in The Big Apple

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Jumping and screaming on the dance floor is so passé. Contemporary dance, however, is en vogue. Book a flight to New York City and take some ballet, lyrical and tap dance classes. Train daily until your excruciating bunions and callouses have all but crippled you and throbbing back pains prevent you from sleeping. But imagine going into a triple pirouette and jumping into the splits while everyone else is still pretending to know the lyrics to “Gold Digger”. You’ll probably never be able to walk again on account of your early onset osteoarthritis, but at least you’ll be known in every corner of the law school as that person who flew all the way to NYC just to impress everyone with their dancing abilities. NB: I accept no liability for any resulting infamy, but will happily take credit if you become popular.

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